I love to clean almost as much as I hate to clean. I love cleaning because Pine Sol makes my house smell like the home of someone who cleans behind the toilet and hangs up their clothes regularly. I hate cleaning because it involves doing tedious things out of obligation and I’m here to have an authentic human experience, but working from home means this apartment doubles as my office, so if I want to be comfortable and productive I have to keep it together at least a little bit.
Growing up, I swore I would never enjoy cleaning, even as an adult. That’s because podcasts didn’t exist back then and I didn’t smoke weed until I was 23. When I pack a bowl of an uplifting sativa like Lemonberry or Jilly Bean and turn on an episode of My Favorite Murder, it’s much easier to get a whole list of chores done.
Here are some of the best chores to do around the house while you’re high.
Dishes
Dishes are the worst chore on this list in my opinion, and I think it’s because it’s a chore that always needs to be done. People who are on top of their kitchen sink situation will tell you that if you don’t have a dishwasher, you’re supposed to “wash your dish after you use it” to “prevent dishes from accumulating” in the sink. That’s cool and all, but have you ever tried sitting on the couch and putting it off until you’re out of forks and bowls? It’s great for your heart.
For real though, smoke some herb before getting your hands into the warm water and soapy suds. It’s quite soothing if you slow down and let your mind wander until you realize the sink is empty and all you’ve been doing is thinking about whether dogs have religions. If you’ve still got some gas in the tank, scrub your stovetop and oven, too.
Organize/Donate Clothes
A couple years ago I read Marie Kondo’s book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up about her KonMari method for keeping a tidy home. I got rid of some things that no longer ‘sparked joy’ after reading it, but the part that still haunts me to this day is the part where she calls you out for the ways you’ve been abusing your clothes. See:
The socks and stockings stored in your drawer are essentially on holiday. They take a brutal beating in their daily work, trapped between your foot and your shoe, enduring pressure and friction to protect your precious feet. The time they spend in your drawer is their only chance to rest. But if they are folded over, balled up, or tied, they are always in a state of tension, their fabric stretched and their elastic pulled. They roll about and bump into each other every time the drawer is opened and closed. Any socks and stockings unfortunate enough to get pushed to the back of the drawer are often forgotten for so long that their elastic stretches beyond recovery. When the owner finally discovers them and puts them on, it will be too late and they will be relegated to the garbage. What treatment could be worse than this?
I have not folded over my socks since reading this book, but I also have not folded the pairs into thirds like she recommends, so what I have is a drawer full of loose socks I have to dig through to find a matching pair, which has become much more cumbersome than I ever anticipated. But hey, at least they’re not stressed out.
Here’s a start to finish guide to cleaning out your closet.
Vacuum/Yell at Helen the Robot Vacuum
Last year my husband bought an iClebo robot vacuum named Helen. I only agreed to the purchase because I was hoping my cats would take her for a spin, but instead they just pretend she’s a foreign animal and try to attack her brushy legs as she sucks up their tumbleweeds and bumps into everything like she hasn’t lived here for a FUCKING YEAR, HELEN.
Scrub the Bathroom and/or Kitchen Floor
Helen and the Shark Mop help a lot with keeping the floors clean, but every once in awhile, the kitchen and bathroom floors need more than a quick once-over. For this one you’ll need a sponge or toothbrush, some Pine Sol, a Destiny’s Child album, prayer beads, and an uplifting sativa. You’ll feel VERY accomplished after scrubbing the floors and baseboards in the two funkiest rooms of your home.
Clean out the Fridge
Every so often it’s important to take literally everything out of your fridge, hold each item in your hand, check the expiration date, and throw some crusty condiments away. If you’re smoking a strain that gives you the munchies, just eat your way to the back!
Here’s how to clean out your refrigerator in 30 minutes or less.
Redecorate
I redecorate every season, and what I mean by “redecorate” is order seasonally appropriate Bath & Body Works 3-wick candles to scatter all over my apartment. Other times it means taking things from one shelf and rearranging them on another shelf, so I’m probably the last person you should be taking decorating advice from, honestly.