by Heather Green*
In 2014, an estimated 435,000 people were regular users of heroin in America, according to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration. And I was only one in that huge number of unfortunate souls. My addiction lasted nearly 5 years and like with many others, ended in a prison sentence. Thankfully, I was able to pick myself up from my absolute bottom and actually recover.
My Rocky Road Through Recovery
Statistics will tell you roughly 2 percent of heroin users are able to get and stay clean. Normally, being in an elite percentile like that is something to be proud of. But, a normal person wouldn’t want to go shouting from the rooftops that they are a former heavy-drug user. I know I wouldn’t. But then again, my way of keeping clean isn’t necessarily a standard route. I’m a regular marijuana user.
Now, before you jump to the assumption that this means I’m not clean, such as any member of Narcotics Anonymous would, please note I never said I was drug-free. I am merely free from being a heroin user anymore. I haven’t touched the stuff in 6 years. And if I’m being completely honest, this is almost entirely due to my cannabis use.
I like to call myself a life-long cannabis user. I say this because, even while pregnant, my mother smoked marijuana. Unlike some, I never found myself resenting her for this. Nor did I shy away from my dad and his constant use. In fact, the opposite happened. As I grew older, I began to notice the difference between those who smoked pot, and those who didn’t. And I knew what side of the line I wanted to be on.
For me, marijuana has been an anti-anxiety medication, a mood stabilizer, an eating disorder deterrent, an anger management tool, and a shame subsiding helper.
Battling the Inner Demons
I believe, like so many others, my problems with drug-use initially stemmed from unresolved mental health issues. Over the years, I have been diagnosed with a plethora of problems including but not limited to: anxiety, depression and bipolar disorder.
Living as a teenager is rough enough, but anyone who has lived with any of these problems knows it becomes even harder. Couple a few of these issues together and you’ve got a boiling pot of self-destruction, ready to boil over at any minute.
My way of dealing with my mental health was to ignore any signs of problems. I pushed everything down to manage at some later date in the future, unaware I was only making everything worse.
Here’s where my story gets interesting. Unlike most, I kind of skipped over a marijuana phase myself and went right for the harder drugs in my mother’s medicine cabinet at the ripe old age of 19. Pain-killers and muscle-relaxants were always plentily available and I liked how much they helped me push down those bad feelings. In fact, I hardly felt anything at all. I quickly became addicted to the feeling.
Soon, my parents caught on and I was moved out of my mother’s house. This is when I truly began smoking marijuana.
And it’s also when my life started to turn around. I moved downstate, enrolled in college, and started taking myself seriously for the first time. From there, I continued to succeed. I got accepted into my dream school, worked my way through to graduate with honors, and landed a coveted internship in a very distinguished political press office.
I was making serious moves and the only thing that was different from other times in my life is I was using marijuana on a regular, daily basis. It made my mind work again. It took away my mental health issues instead of helping me push them down further. It allowed me to relax enough to finally deal with the causes of my problems and start to come up with some real solutions.
Then I met Michael. This is the part of the story where heroin ruins everything. I’m not going to go into much detail about my addiction because that’s not what this is about. But I will say, once I was introduced to the drug, it was an instant spiral downward. It only took a matter of months for me to lose everything I had worked so hard for and it was all because of a single drug.
In a preemptive attempt to answer your question – NO! My marijuana usage did not lead to my heroin usage. In fact, I tried to turn Mike into a stoner instead of him turning me into a junkie. He was obviously the stronger person in the relationship.
Re-discovering My Wonder Drug
Now let’s jump to after prison. I look at my sentence as a fortunate circumstance of my addiction since it gave me my initial year clean, which many say is the hardest to get past. But, when I first got out, my mind was still hooked. This is likely because I had spent the last year completely enveloped in all my mental health issues all over again, without an absolute single shred of help.
I was in one of the darkest places of my life. I didn’t want to jump back to heroin but wasn’t able to afford professional help.
So, after much consideration, since I could still technically be drug-tested on parole, I decided to reignite my love affair with cannabis. And again, I seemed to find solutions to all my most serious problems.
My anxiety had been running so rampant that, for the first time in my life, I was experiencing panic attacks. I couldn’t even be in a car for fear of being in an accident. But, once I smoked, I was finally able to chill out. I could calm down my anxiety so much I was even able to drive again.
My bi-polar was causing the worst mood swings I had ever experienced. Literally, within minutes I would go from ecstatic and on top of the world to wanting to end my own life. Weed not only balances me out, it tends to keep me a little more on the positive side of things instead of just sitting contently in the middle.
Amazingly, marijuana even helped with my paranoid thoughts.
In some cases, THC has been linked to paranoia, higher anxiety levels, and depression. But, everyone sees their own effects of marijuana use. In my case, I believe it works like Adderall works for those with ADHD but has opposite effects on those without it. Somehow, in my body, most strains will significantly lower my already drastically present anxiety and paranoia. Since I deal with those things on a daily basis, whatever influx THC might bring is not only managed by my body, but it actually helps me to balance myself out.
I have personally found that sativa strains tend to have this exact effect I’m looking for as sleepier indicas tend to exacerbate my depression slightly.
One of the most important issues marijuana helps me to deal with is my overwhelming leftover guilt from every horrible thing I did and said during my addiction. In 2013, Princeton researchers actually linked feelings of guilt to negative physical symptoms. And boy was I experiencing them. My shame is, in fact, what I think causes all of my other symptoms to exhibit themselves so fiercely. It is so intense that I wind up with stomach aches, headaches, and even physical panic attacks. Using cannabis in all forms and variations helps to not only ease the physical symptoms, but it helps the overwhelming guilt subside a little. It helps me realize that my friends and family do still love me, and forgiveness is possible.
Finding The Right Path
Just because this method has worked for me, doesn’t mean it’s everyone’s ideal outcome. Some might feel it’s trading one addiction for another. I feel differently. Although the federal government has chosen to remain classifying marijuana in the same category as heroin, I have seen the amazing medical benefits of cannabis first hand – compared to the purely destructive results of opiates. In fact, according to the Center for Disease Control, “from 2010 to 2016 heroin-related deaths increased fivefold.” In 2016 alone, there were over 15,000 deaths. My personal use was between 2011 and 2016, so, with these numbers, I genuinely consider myself lucky to be alive. I was lucky to have never overdosed and lucky to have the opportunity to stay clean today. Cannabis helps me maintain that opportunity every single day.
It may be helping others with this same problem too. Recent findings reported in JAMA Internal Medicine have shown overall lower opiate use in states that have eased their regulations on marijuana.
I share my story now because maybe this is a route someone hasn’t thought of. Maybe there is someone out there searching for their own way of freedom from heroin. This is meant to show you that there are options. Find literally anything that works for you and utilize it.
For me, cannabis has been a miracle worker in so many ways in my life. I owe almost all my successes to the person I became during my moments of heaviest use – the correlation is undeniable to me.
If my story can help just one person to find their own path, then I’d share it a million times over. Let’s start with just once for today.
If you are suffering from addiction, there is help available. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) has a free, confidential, 24/7, 365 treatment referral and information service in English and Spanish for individuals and families seeking help for substance abuse and/or mental health disorders. SAMHSA’s National Helpline is 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
*Name has been changed.
Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash