by Madyson Smarr
Trigger warning: self-harm, suicide
Cannabis has been my lifesaver, literally. When I was 17, I was told I had severe anxiety and depression, and more recently, slight OCD and PTSD. Almost immediately after this diagnosis, I was told I would have to have double hip surgery due to a problem that had gone undiagnosed for years. My whole world was turned upside down. Up to that point I had been a soccer player, and a pretty good one at that. I was on track to play in college. Around the same time, I was having severe nightly anxiety attacks and was constantly depressed. I was slowly losing everything I knew and it got to be too much. I became suicidal and I didn’t think I was going to make it out of high school alive.
I eventually made it out and moved to Denver to go to college. This was in 2016, so marijuana had been fully legalized for about 3 years in Colorado. This meant that every kid and his mom had access to cannabis, especially in Denver. After a really terrible experience with it in high school, I decided to try weed out again.
It was life-changing. For the first time in I’m pretty sure my entire existence, I felt okay. I didn’t feel like my stomach was ripping itself out with the help of razor blades. It no longer felt like my brain was trying to destroy itself with negativity and anxiety. I could laugh without forcing it and I finally had an appetite again. For the first time in 9 years, I felt like a normal and functioning human who could be productive. I had ambition again. I didn’t mind facing my anxieties anymore because I knew I could calm them. Cannabis got me through my first semester of college without having a mental breakdown, and in all honesty, that’s all I could ask for.
The mental breakdown decided to wait about a year before showing up. I snapped and tried to kill myself with a bottle of pills. I had a complete disregard for life and was ready to get out of here. After my episode, my boyfriend, along with everyone around me, kept me high for about a week straight. Being suicidal when high was hard and I slowly found reason again. Weed kept me grounded and helped me see reality, instead of the version my brain had created for itself. It has done the impossible by taming an emotional beast that I thought would never go away. It helped me realize that I have plenty of reasons to be here, I just have to get out of my own head sometimes. Thanks to cannabis I am slowly healing and moving on from all the negativity in my life.
The unique thing about using cannabis as medicine is the variety. There are so many different options and ways to use cannabis and it can get overwhelming trying to figure out what works for you. My favorite way is, of course, an old-fashioned bong or pipe bowl. The bud makes it easy for me to keep track of how much I am smoking and how I feel after every hit. My second choice is wax. I use dabs to help me go to sleep or calm down a severe anxiety attack because they are more potent. I personally am not a huge fan of edibles merely because I am usually looking for immediate relief, not relief in 2 hours. I also prefer to stay with sativa dominated strains because it keeps me from getting in my head too much and causing an anxiety attack.
Cannabis has improved my quality of life significantly and I believe it could benefit many more like me. It is diverse and natural and not physically addictive. Cannabis is the medicine of the future.
If you are feeling suicidal, there is hope. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24/7 at 1-800-273-8255. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line 24/7 by texting “START” to 741-741. There is also The Trevor Project, an LGBT crisis intervention and suicide prevention hotline, 24/7 at 1-866-488-7386.